This needs to get sorted. And this week is the only time I have, away from most distractions, to get it sorted. Nothing like a little pressure.
I'm good at this, though. Here's what I've got so far.
(I'm typing while looking into a hotel desk mirror. That forces an uncomfortable degree of honesty, though probably a necessary one. And the realization that I really need to lose a little weight.)
Back to, "Here's what I've got so far."
The wiring has maybe always been there. Time, circumstance, choice--and maybe even a quiet awareness--all have kept the circuits from closing.
Yes, from time to time there would be a flash on the circuitboard. A catch of breath, a heaviness at the pulse points of my wrists. Eye contact held just an instant long. Even an inarticulate, "What if?" may have had time, once or twice, to almost form in the air before dissipating, disrupted, by a child tugging at my sleeve, or a husband commanding attention.
I'm going to say the wiring has always been there.
It's not exactly shocking. There is precedent, and whether you call that precedent bent, kinked, or broken, we all know how that part went down, nearly half a lifetime ago. Plus, there's the seeking, the envelope-pushing, the learning, that whole piece of the personality. Been there, always been there.
Let's be honest, here in D-land if nowhere else.
I never was really driving between the little yellow lines.
I never really believed that I was.
I married, knowing this. I knew it was a choice, and I knew that it was the majority choice. "If you can possibly go do something else and be happy," an acting teacher said to me once, "please, please go and do it." This career is too hard, he was saying, if there is any other possible choice.
It seemed, for me, there was another possible choice. A clear one. An easy one. I would marry a man. I would have a family.
So I did both those things. Yes, there were some trade-offs, but I knew about those. I was willing to accept them.
It's a hellish thing, consciously making choices that are meant to last the rest of your life.
12:42 p.m. - 12-25-17
Recent entries:
Sealy Remembers - 05-23-13
Sealy Writes - 04-04-18
Rewind to "Everything's Fine" - 12-25-17
What We Have So Far - 12-25-17
Lightning Crashes - 2017-12-24
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