To make this most personal of decisions — who to love, how to express it — I do not need to be scared of anything I am.
I do not need to change anything I am.
I do not need to love “like a man,” nor to be “like a man.”
I don’t need a role, a title, or a label.
Nothing prevents me from claiming my full power as a woman, and bringing that power to bear, wherever I choose, wherever that power is called.
Now I know this freedom exists.
So I know, also, that this freedom—like all freedoms—is balanced, partnered, checked, hampered, tempered by its handmate: responsibility.
You live with your choices. You stand by your choices. You live with, and stand by, your choices particularly when innocents are involved.
I’m finding my way by writing.
I stand by my choices. I stand in the center of a web of confidences (unknowing, but present) of children, husband, friend. Nobody will be made uncomfortable or sad or alone or confused because of me.
You know, and there's this as well:
I’m acting like this is a choice. When, in fact, it’s all predicted on fantasy. On a big and long-overdue girl crush. A straight-up crush on a nice straight girl, by a not-so-nice sorta-bent girl.
I've always been sorta bent.
It's just not more complicated than that. Not complicated. Not actionable. Not a real choice. And, therefore, definitely not a problem, because nobody even knows it's a discussion.
Girl crush. Maybe . . . can we just leave those words right there? And go hoppityskipping back to everything-as-it-was, everything-fine?
Sure, everything fine except for the big black holes where Here Be Dragons, those places on my map that I’d almost, almost forgotten until this woman, this remarkable woman, lit them up without ever meaning to do so or even knowing they were there. She can't suffer for that. My children, never. My husband, whatever our issues, no, not him either.
So.
Everything. Is. Perfectly perfectly fine.
10:08 p.m. - 12-25-17
Recent entries:
Sealy Remembers - 05-23-13
Sealy Writes - 04-04-18
Rewind to "Everything's Fine" - 12-25-17
What We Have So Far - 12-25-17
Lightning Crashes - 2017-12-24
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