The Menagerie Project Well, dang. You know those days you get into a rut you can't shake out of? Today, and I think yesterday also, I woke up already IN the rut. Which sucks. When you slide into the rut, according to the friendly websites and to a friendly but far more expensive therapist somewhere in the Land of the Delta Blues, you're supposed to focus on positive things. Ditto according to Mercury: "Think of rainbows and puppies and flowers." So here we are in the little-used Menagerie area, trying to think of rainbows and puppies and flowers and get out of the rut so I can get on with my day in some kind of productive way. Things I'm grateful for that are good in my life: ITEM: Mercury and I went boating yesterday. Even though it was very damned cold and the little plug came out of the back of the boat, so that the boat started taking on water and we had to drive in circles at high speed to keep the boat planing to keep the water in the back and Mercury handed me the wheel so he could bail and I didn't drive well and he was irritated and I confess I was too even though it was not his fault at all . . . um, we did go boating. And that was a good thing. ITEM: My family's doing well. They are excited about the wedding. I have a looming guilt-cloud that I haven't done more to assist with their lodging or activities when they come down here for the weekend. (Okay, looming guilt-clouds are bad, so let's work on that.) They're coming. They're happy to be coming. They have the same Internet that I have. They can plan activities. They did find lodging. Relax, Ygraine. They will have to make their own fun once they get here. Have you ever been to a wedding where people gave you a whole list of activities? (Sort of, not really.) Have you ever gotten a complete guide to fun-and-lodging in the target town? (No.) So let it be. They will figure it out. Or they won't. They've been living for many many years on this earth managing that for themselves. It is not your responsibility. Mercury is not fretting about whether his parents will have fun, is he? Take his lead and let it be. ITEM: The kitchen paint is wonderful. Even if it's not quite done, and even if the rest of the house is not furnished or set up the way you want it, the kitchen is wonderful (so far) and the big bar unit in the living room is wonderful. Let's work on this one. Nobody expects you to have a fully furnished home the second you move into one . . . or even six months after. People are coming to watch you get married, not to evaluate your home decor and furnishings. And even if they were coming to evaluate your home decor and furnishings, you never would be able to bring it up to snuff even if you spent the next three weeks doing nothing-but, because the key players amont these people are multimillionaires and just live in a different world anyway. So let that be. Paint the living room today, perhaps, and do what you can, and then just strike that item off the fret-list. ITEM: The money situation is getting better all the time. I just liquidated my loan to B on the shared home and the personal property settlement. I just paid up my contingency fund so that the ten percent of income you were setting aside for emergencies can be re-allocated to other things. I'm taking home even more money each month than I thought I would be. In fact, I've achieved another goal on your Big Fat Goal List by hitting this salary level. Somebody want to explain why I initially wrote that paragraph in the second person? I guess I am counseling myself. There is nothing to fret about on the money-front, so strike that item from the fret-list. And, insofar as you ("I" - there it goes again) have some kind of gloom and guilt surrounding the problem of re-allocating money to other things, that, Ygraine, is a self-esteem problem. Where is it written that you cannot or should not buy new clothing, see a dentist, or get your ass onto birth control again? Yes, we know doctors are expensive. But you have the money now. And what's with the looming gloom and guilt over spending Grandpa's Christmas money on these final loan payments instead of on "something special" as you promised, or, more urgently, a dentist? You are in charge of how you spend that money. If you need to see a dentist, for the love of Pete see a dentist! Do you enjoy waking up with your teeth hurting and worrying about root canals and abscesses and other horrible things? Sounds like you need to make a little decision about that bonus money. Prior bad experiences with dentists are no reason to avoid dentists. Get the number of that dentist Mercury's cousins recommended. They said he was good. And, Ygraine, P.S. - Nobody's going to do this for you. The dentist, unlike the Tooth Fairy, does not arrive silently in the night in a shower of light to tend to your molars. Okay, I am fretting horribly about my teeth, and they hurt, and I need to get in to a dentist. I think I might re-allocate that bonus money. . . . Let's see; have I covered everything that's hovering over the rut? . . . ITEM: No, you're NOT pregnant. And even if you were, didn't Mercury just say it would be a "blessing" and that "we could manage it"? So your tits have been sore for whatever reason for a couple weeks, and the worst-case scenario (barring other worst-case scenarios like breast cancer, which I do not think applies when it's both tits acting up) is that something slipped somewhere and a little Mercury-blob is reading this over your shoulder and your life is, again, about to zoom down a path you didn't really plan to take. Hell, maybe it would be a blessing at that. If I think about it too much I am unlikely ever to affirmatively say "let's have kids." What a rotten time-suck that will be. Fighting with Mercury over who has to stay home. Trips to the pediatrician and (hey, the dentist!) every third second. Bad smells. Gross. I like my life as it is. But if God's decided it's time, with or without the help of a Trojan of questionable age, quality, or efficacy, I guess I could roll with that punch. And, in a freaky way, I'd be kind of grateful for it. Because I am not getting any younger, you know? With each passing year the odds of healthy offspring get a little worse. They're not bad yet, but they're not getting better. And I would be relieved that I could lay to rest the old and faint lingering worry that God's going to punish me for the error of my teenagerhood by making me unable to conceive now that I've met a man who really wants kids. So, okay, what if I am pregnant? We'd work it out. Mercury said we would, and I believe him. And, as for myself, well, I'm here in Florida with Mercury and working in Mercury's firm, and I'm getting married to him for gosssakes, so I guess that's sort of an "in for a penny / in for a pound" proposition anyway. Somebody want to explain the random shifts from first- to second-person? ITEM: It's raining like a mofo out there-- --which might mean a) I don't have to get back in the cold boat with the suspicious plug again this weekend, and b) the garden is probably very happy right now, and c) I am at last, after pouring my guts into the Green Screen, feeling like I might want to--and might be motivated to--tackle a rainy-day project or two. Thanks, Dr. Laura. |
6:56 a.m. - 01-18-04
Recent entries:
Sealy Writes - 04-04-18
Rewind to "Everything's Fine" - 12-25-17
What We Have So Far - 12-25-17
Lightning Crashes - 2017-12-24
Long Years in a Short Time - 09-11-13
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
kitchenlogic
peregryn
gizmonator
slithy-toves
gerrybuilt
quoted
dlove