Upstairs Sort of upstairs. Mostly wrangling. Back in Miami at Merc's. Since the acquisition of my desk I do feel like I have a semi-life here. Actually I'm starting to feel like my primary life is here, and my life north of here is a series of extended work-stay hotel stops. I am really stuck this time. As evinced by the fact that I'm no longer labeling Mercury-related entries as Volume This, Part That, it seems this relationship is becoming part of my normal life. Yesterday I got up before dawn with Merc and went with him on a dive trip. As a passenger--I am not certified though I should be. B's father gave me a certificate years ago for a scuba course and I never took it. Never figured I'd find the time or the money to pleasure-dive. But that's not germane right now. I've decided to take the Florida bar. Why? Well, on the surface it's because I can waive into Minnesota if I get a high enough score on the multistate. Deep down I think it's because I am exhausted. I am really tired of doing things the hard way and I've been asking myself lately if Mercury is the break I've been waiting for. But that sends up warning flags, too. Oh--yesterday. Right. I need to note that before I wander off-topic, because it counts. So yesterday my flame-red bikini and I are on this dive boat, watching the sun rise over Biscayne Bay and tickle the edges of all the cotton-candy-colored skyscrapers back on shore. The ocean's smooth as glass and I'm hanging over the side of the dive boat watching bubbles come up from Merc and his dive buddy. The rest of the country's paralyzed by an ice storm right now, have you noticed? I mean, Florida has some definite up-sides. I've never disliked it here. In fact I like it quite a lot. Were it not for the fact that many millions of people share this idea, Florida would be great. Florida. Minnesota. I am still so homesick. Should I take both bars? One? I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't mean to meet this man. It's not as if he's presenting any particular plan of his own to combat mine. He's even said he'd consider Minnesota. I am so scared of making any decision right now. It's embarrassing really. After two years of non-stop work and pouring my heart into this resume, and all the struggle and stress and stomach pains, here I stand prepared to "reap the rewards" and I can't even figure out what exactly the rewards are or how I want to go about reaping them. I see why a lot of us (B included, maybe) get shunted onto the prestige track. That is a very clear path. You do THIS (clerkship #2) and then you do THAT (top-ten-LL.M.) and then you are HERE (ready to teach). Maybe. I don't want a life of genteel poverty. I am pretty damned sure about that. B and I got into this game in the first place because we believed it was the fastest way to make a lot of money. And I know, for certain, that I can make a lot of money by heading back north. That money lets me live this life down here. First thing I'll buy will be a Florida condo and a bunch of plane tickets. "Your life is going to change entirely in the next year," Merc observed rightly. "You won't be a student any longer." Well, of course. And that's why I'm trying to hold on to Merc. Because damn, it's hard to meet someone when you're not a student. I've been not-a-student and I know. And meeting someone in northern Minnesota seems even less likely, although as my mother pointed out B was crawling around that town so there might be some others too. I am homesick. I want to make a lot of money. I want to run my own zoo. Look, I think I have to go North. If I don't go North I will always wonder what life would have been like if I didn't. And if I do go North I will always wonder what life would have been like if I didn't. So the question is, "what picture can I give up? What lifestyle am I willing to give up?" I hate this. I am a little tempted to say, "Okay, I'll come back down here to Florida and then if things don't work out I can always go North later." But I've been saying that for a while now. I've been planning to get home for a long time. I didn't plan to meet this man. "Everyone says it would be great to have lots of choices," said M on the phone last night, "but actually it's horrible!" Actually yes, I agree, right now it's a little horrible. Then last night we went out to Thai food with Podiatrist and Law Student, the couple-friends of Merc's. Today we will give a Superbowl party for a select few here at Merc's house. Could I do these things up north? Well, not Thai food. Could I do these things without Merc? Do I want to? I want to be part of a community. I have no idea how to start a law firm in a big brawling place like SoFlo. I don't know how people think down here, or whether they think at all. Merc can hook me up with some of the "best in the profession," but they're all living in genteel poverty too as far as I can tell. I want to go to a place I understand. Am I willing to do it at the cost of Mercury? Can I, at this point? What do I want? Jesus, Ygraine, what do you want? |
8:14 a.m. - 02-03-02
Recent entries:
Sealy Writes - 04-04-18
Rewind to "Everything's Fine" - 12-25-17
What We Have So Far - 12-25-17
Lightning Crashes - 2017-12-24
Long Years in a Short Time - 09-11-13
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